Hottie #24: Anatomically correct

There just really aren't enough people out there with good skull shape these days. The most common configuration I've seen is bicycle seat head, which looks a bit like this:

Sooo not attractive. And then there are the lumpy ones whose heads look like badly formed play-doh balls. That's why I find this lovely lady so impressive.

I myself have a slightly shrunken head- If I shaved it, native americans would chase me down and use me for spells.

Hottie #23: The Dancing Fool

Where the hell was this dude at my prom? Goddamn it, why did I grab the nearest white boy and bribe him with sexual favors to take me??? Jesus, I must have had eighteen bruises from being kicked in the shins, not to mention the embarrassment I endured from his seizure-like arm movements. Well, no matter; this post is not about my regret. This post is a shout out to all the good looking men in the world who are not afraid to look silly while they practice their moves on the dance floor.

Hottie #22: Hope?

It's not that this guy's like a version of Brad Pitt or anything, but his pictures scream confidence in his own beauty. Also he looks like a mix of two dudes I used to have crushes on. Both liaisons were doomed to failure (one was gay and one was 5'4"), but hope lives on in the this guy's shining, non-gay, non-midget eyes.

Hottie #21: Did it hurt when you fell down from heaven?

NO ONE, that's right, no one could convince me that this girl poops like the rest of us. If she ever accumulates waste, I'm sure she simply wishes it away. I might believe that she pees, but if she does I'm sure the liquid has medicinal healing properties. As all ravishing and halfway literate people are, she's married and vastly out of your reach. However, girl-on-girl action isn't really cheating, right? Maybe you'd be slumming a bit with me, but really darling, you'd be slumming even if you slept with Prince William.

Hottie #20: The Ex

This hottie looks like an ex-boyfriend of mine, except this one's got a better sense of style, and probably a much larger penis (jesus, an old-school joystick wouldve been more satisfying than that thing). It seems he is not very well-liked; one testimonial reads, "Turd." Well, the good-looking don't really need any friends, do they? Friends are really just potential lays (that we're trying to trick into liking us for our personalities) or saps that we can whine and complain to, because they'll endure it just for the chance to sleep with us someday. Oh dear friend, stop poking me with your dick, thanks.

Friendster Servers...

are like escorts who won't do anal.

Well anyway, they broke, apparently.

I do intend to put up some hotties today, after Friendster realizes that it will have to put out for me, or else.

In the meantime, buy some of those funny teeshirts, get that nasty pimple shit off your face (proactiv works, I used it when I was 16), or rent a designer bag because your loser ass don't have a job. Or, just pick up some free shit. Anytime you do that, it will make me cum in my pants (and it'll be extra messy, seeing as I'm not wearing underwear).

Forgive this post, it's pretty obvious I didn't get laid last night, huh?

Love,
Mayla

Hottie #19: Why I love Gay Men

It's not to say that straight men aren't hot (I wouldn't dare blaspheme like that, as you all are probably about 90% of my readership), it's that, well, I guess it's not (hetero)manly to put up glistening slices of your beefcake on Friendster. I understand that guys, I really do. But, you have to understand that if you are realistically going to meet women through Friendster, a picture of you rowing a boat, taken ashore from about 500 feet away, is not going to cut it. We will think that your eye is hanging out of your head and that you don't want us to see. Gay men post clear, beautiful, smiling pictures (with the occasional glimpse of scrotum, sure). But it makes them very susceptible to being featured on FriendsterHotties, and to be easily ushered in to our community.

Hottie #18: The controversy

Well guys! Let's get right down to it. I chose this french momma because it doesn't look like she smells bad, as opposed to the rest of that goddamned cesspool posing as a country. But frankly, this girl has STYLE. I also like that saucy stance on her, it reminds me of naughty adolescents who are mad at their parents because they're not allowed to go to the big house party, where they would inevitably have been probed in uncomfortable places by men who are too high to even enjoy their copped feels. Oh, those were the days.

Hottie #17: Holy #$@, I just blew my load.

This is it, folks. Pomade my hair and stick a long filtered cigarette in my pocket, because I'm in love! Sure, I could never imagine her naked, and I wouldn't really want to (pulling down her stockings and eating her from behind is much more my style) but she sure looks like she knows how to hatefuck better than Charles Manson. Now to make her despise me. Hmmm, I think telling her I'm prettier than her would do the trick. That isn't fair. But it's true.

Hottie #16: The Mexican

In movies, you hire tall white dudes to play mexicans, and you give them about $40 for a fake tan. You do this because, if you were to hire an actual mexican, they would have to stand on books the whole time, and your audience would take one look at a 6-inch long forearm and figure out their actual height. Alright, enough of my racism. The point of that diatribe was to point out that this particular mexican is movie star material. Put him in a major motion picture, or at least a commercial (Corona would be my best bet.)

Hottie #15: Give her a trim, girl. Damn, I mean it's summer.

Wow. I can't believe it. This girl actually posted photos of HER PUSSY. It's beautiful- soft and a bit too furry; regardless, I just wanna scoop it up, and kiss it all over. Damn, it's so cute I just want to eat it. Well anyway it wouldn't be very polite of me to talk only about her pussy pics, because as you can see she's got other sexy attributes as well. She's got dimples that show up even when she's smirking! Well, I guess I'd be smirking too if I put pictures of my PUSSY online. Jesus.

Hottie #14: The sad little model

I sure hope I don't have to resort to models for all my featured hottie posts. But it's just so damn easy. This phenomenal european chica professes that she is miserable (and her status is in a relationship at the same time?) Sweetie, dump that sack of meat. You're a model for chrissakes, and you can surely find yourself someone to keep you squealing with delight. (Or, at least, just ask him for a rimjob.)

Hottie #13: The hulk

I'm a little bitty thing, and so I think I would cower in the presence of this obvious behemoth. It's gotta be weird to sit in the drawing room, and have your heart go aflutter at hearing his booming footsteps crashing down the hallway. Then again, it must be really hot to walk with him through Times Square, and watch as he knocks down all the bowling-pin people in your path with one sweep of his meaty paw. But, I'd still be scared that he'd pop off my head like a pez dispenser.

A sincere apology

Hello my lovely hotties,

Your own merciless judge and expensive hot ticket is a little depressed. I'm warning you all that there may not be any hotties for you to drool over or to throw little thought daggers from your eyes at today. But I am going to offer a public apology to all those that have been rejected, so far, from the FriendsterHotties community:

-Do not take your rejection so hard. We're not called FriendsterCuties, or FriendsterSlightlyAboveAverages. We only take the most smokin', and by that I mean people that consistently cause cars to crash or necks to snap.

-I realize that beautiful people can often be the biggest loads of horse dung on the planet, and that being less than gorgeous builds character (I know, cause I used to be fat.) But hey, I'm trying to make a few advertising dollars so I can't be letting in just any schlumpy, yet sensitive, rocket scientist.

I love you all for checking out the site and reviewing the hotties, even if some of you surf by while you're rocking slightly in a dark corner and fondling your back-hump.

Love,
Mayla

Hottie #12: Beefcake

This hottie's profile came along just when my eyes threatened to burst from looking at photo after photo of shameless homely friendsters. Well God bless his soul. This hottie has the MAXIMUM ALLOWABLE number of photos posted in his profile, and he also likes to show a lot of nipple (for those pics, you've gotta try to join!) I wish he could see my nipples now.

You can judge, too!!!

I know you mean-spirited wenches wanna say something about these hotties, even if you're just jealous. COMMENT COMMENT COMMENT!!!

Hottie #11: This one makes me want to grow a penis

Wow. This hottie is so god-damned beautiful she makes me want to put down the taco and walk very slowly towards Bally's so that I may have a slim chance, in an optimistic hell, of seeing her naked one day. But seeing as, I'm sure, this lovely is one spearmint commercial away from making it big, I have decided to continue stuffing my face (it's lunchtime after all.) It looks like this interesting chica is into anime. This is my all-time favorite anime movie, and though I certainly do judge her for not putting it up in her "favorite movies" section, if you join our community and manage to get a date with this sublime beauty, I think showing her such good taste might make her ignore the fact that you have not flossed since your daddy last made you. But no matter. Beauty fades with age before teeth rot, usually.

The FriendsterHotties Philosophy- Hate no more, Uglies

We see Friendster as a house party- a darkened room, filled with all different kinds of people: shapes, sizes, colors, what have you. Just as in a normal house party scenario, we flock to the attractive ones, the ones with "nice plumage," so to speak. Sure we care about what they have to say. But we've come to this party to get laid. We're not going to court the attention of someone who's visibly decided to eat mcdonald's every day for a month, to not bathe regularly, or to not go see their dermatologist about those unsightly blemishes. This is our decision, so stop hating, uglies.

If you decide not to use the FriendsterHotties community to look for hot Friendsters, and instead opt to do the long, torturous search yourself, please, consider yourself warned and use these rules.
Thank you,
your Resident Sexy Elitist.

Hotties #9 & 10: Oh MY God.

The world is a good place, and I have a good life, because I saw these pictures, and now I am being a good samaritan and sharing them with you.
It seems these are not just two ladies, but an organization. (Hm, if I let them into mine, will they let me into theirs?) These gals seem a little bit violent, a little bit lipstick-smeared, but to anyone who likes some BDSM now and again, I'm sure they come highly recommended. Hey girls, my wrists are tied to the bedposts and I swallowed the key. Come make it all worthwhile?

Hottie #8: Which way does he swing?

Sorry for slacking yesterday, guys. Only one post, that's a sorry, sorry showing. But I'm making up for it today with this scrumdiddlyumptious one. Yes, I know how many orifices he's into, but you won't until you join! Anyway, it looks like the skin on his bald head is as smooth as the skin on his face. Mmmhmm pass me some aromatic oils, or at least some butter. Well, he has more testimonials than people I've met in my entire life, so it must mean he's either an excellent human being whom people stalk, or he pays people to praise him on friendster. Either way, doesn't he sound interesting???

Hottie #7: Not afraid to show her good side

Okay, okay, I definitely took that joke from her profile. I personally asked this clever hottie to join our community. (Why haven't I asked you, you wonder? Well why don't you go turn around and put your hands on the wall? That's right. Because you're about as freaky as Martha Stewart.) Whatever, I'll just try to occupy myself by staring at her long sweater and trying to imagine exactly where her crack is. Oh no, I've outdone myself. I gotta go get a tissue.

Become a Hottie

Log in to your friendster account, and then click here. Just add me as a friend, and when I get your friend request I'll review your photos and profile for admission into our community!

Hottie #6: Hottie unafraid to look unattractive!

Now that is rare sight to see. We here at FriendsterHotties do love a down-to-earth beauty. I mean, you DO NOT need a digital camera to take pictures! Your old scanner/copier will do just fine, especially with a little help from photoshop. This curvy babe looks good in any scenario, as is obvious from her profile. It seems like she may hang out with a bunch of freaks but really, who am I to judge? I spend my life on this blog.

Become a Hottie

Log in to your friendster account, and then click here. Just add me as a friend, and when I get your friend request I'll review your photos and profile for admission into our community!

Hottie #5: The Acrobatic Hipster

Who says hipsters can't move? This gorgeous young lad has quite the twinkle in his eye; he likes to invoke the names of those old greek gods everyone seems to have forgotten about. (SHOUT OUT! D'aulaires Book of Greek Myths! You know you love it!) Our generation sure did have some fodder for its imagination. Kids these days got nothing. Anyway, back to this lovely sprite. He's got nice skin, a bod that looks good upside down, and he's obviously a hopeless romantic. What more could you want?

Hottie #4: A Hottie of Your Own to Feed

This hottie is obviously a model, and models have a good shot of getting in our group, of course. I would personally fatten her up a little bit before the "slaughter," but there are lots of New York gents out there that would keep her on her lettuce-and-air diet I'm sure. She sounds like a world-traveller, which makes for good conversation... sometimes. But that might mean she's rich. Anyhoo, a solid fashion mag catch.

Hottie #3: The Fury

This is an angry one who likes to take black and white pictures. Can you see the vague Benicio resemblance in the first pic? He makes a point of being an avid smoker. Well, I'd rot his lungs if he wanted, and wear a gas mask while he had his way with me. Yep, this one could definitely be star.