Hottie #24: Anatomically correct

There just really aren't enough people out there with good skull shape these days. The most common configuration I've seen is bicycle seat head, which looks a bit like this:

Sooo not attractive. And then there are the lumpy ones whose heads look like badly formed play-doh balls. That's why I find this lovely lady so impressive.

I myself have a slightly shrunken head- If I shaved it, native americans would chase me down and use me for spells.

Hottie #23: The Dancing Fool

Where the hell was this dude at my prom? Goddamn it, why did I grab the nearest white boy and bribe him with sexual favors to take me??? Jesus, I must have had eighteen bruises from being kicked in the shins, not to mention the embarrassment I endured from his seizure-like arm movements. Well, no matter; this post is not about my regret. This post is a shout out to all the good looking men in the world who are not afraid to look silly while they practice their moves on the dance floor.

Hottie #22: Hope?

It's not that this guy's like a version of Brad Pitt or anything, but his pictures scream confidence in his own beauty. Also he looks like a mix of two dudes I used to have crushes on. Both liaisons were doomed to failure (one was gay and one was 5'4"), but hope lives on in the this guy's shining, non-gay, non-midget eyes.

Hottie #21: Did it hurt when you fell down from heaven?

NO ONE, that's right, no one could convince me that this girl poops like the rest of us. If she ever accumulates waste, I'm sure she simply wishes it away. I might believe that she pees, but if she does I'm sure the liquid has medicinal healing properties. As all ravishing and halfway literate people are, she's married and vastly out of your reach. However, girl-on-girl action isn't really cheating, right? Maybe you'd be slumming a bit with me, but really darling, you'd be slumming even if you slept with Prince William.

Hottie #20: The Ex

This hottie looks like an ex-boyfriend of mine, except this one's got a better sense of style, and probably a much larger penis (jesus, an old-school joystick wouldve been more satisfying than that thing). It seems he is not very well-liked; one testimonial reads, "Turd." Well, the good-looking don't really need any friends, do they? Friends are really just potential lays (that we're trying to trick into liking us for our personalities) or saps that we can whine and complain to, because they'll endure it just for the chance to sleep with us someday. Oh dear friend, stop poking me with your dick, thanks.

Friendster Servers...

are like escorts who won't do anal.

Well anyway, they broke, apparently.

I do intend to put up some hotties today, after Friendster realizes that it will have to put out for me, or else.

In the meantime, buy some of those funny teeshirts, get that nasty pimple shit off your face (proactiv works, I used it when I was 16), or rent a designer bag because your loser ass don't have a job. Or, just pick up some free shit. Anytime you do that, it will make me cum in my pants (and it'll be extra messy, seeing as I'm not wearing underwear).

Forgive this post, it's pretty obvious I didn't get laid last night, huh?

Love,
Mayla

Hottie #19: Why I love Gay Men

It's not to say that straight men aren't hot (I wouldn't dare blaspheme like that, as you all are probably about 90% of my readership), it's that, well, I guess it's not (hetero)manly to put up glistening slices of your beefcake on Friendster. I understand that guys, I really do. But, you have to understand that if you are realistically going to meet women through Friendster, a picture of you rowing a boat, taken ashore from about 500 feet away, is not going to cut it. We will think that your eye is hanging out of your head and that you don't want us to see. Gay men post clear, beautiful, smiling pictures (with the occasional glimpse of scrotum, sure). But it makes them very susceptible to being featured on FriendsterHotties, and to be easily ushered in to our community.

Hottie #18: The controversy

Well guys! Let's get right down to it. I chose this french momma because it doesn't look like she smells bad, as opposed to the rest of that goddamned cesspool posing as a country. But frankly, this girl has STYLE. I also like that saucy stance on her, it reminds me of naughty adolescents who are mad at their parents because they're not allowed to go to the big house party, where they would inevitably have been probed in uncomfortable places by men who are too high to even enjoy their copped feels. Oh, those were the days.

Hottie #17: Holy #$@, I just blew my load.

This is it, folks. Pomade my hair and stick a long filtered cigarette in my pocket, because I'm in love! Sure, I could never imagine her naked, and I wouldn't really want to (pulling down her stockings and eating her from behind is much more my style) but she sure looks like she knows how to hatefuck better than Charles Manson. Now to make her despise me. Hmmm, I think telling her I'm prettier than her would do the trick. That isn't fair. But it's true.

Hottie #16: The Mexican

In movies, you hire tall white dudes to play mexicans, and you give them about $40 for a fake tan. You do this because, if you were to hire an actual mexican, they would have to stand on books the whole time, and your audience would take one look at a 6-inch long forearm and figure out their actual height. Alright, enough of my racism. The point of that diatribe was to point out that this particular mexican is movie star material. Put him in a major motion picture, or at least a commercial (Corona would be my best bet.)

Hottie #15: Give her a trim, girl. Damn, I mean it's summer.

Wow. I can't believe it. This girl actually posted photos of HER PUSSY. It's beautiful- soft and a bit too furry; regardless, I just wanna scoop it up, and kiss it all over. Damn, it's so cute I just want to eat it. Well anyway it wouldn't be very polite of me to talk only about her pussy pics, because as you can see she's got other sexy attributes as well. She's got dimples that show up even when she's smirking! Well, I guess I'd be smirking too if I put pictures of my PUSSY online. Jesus.

Hottie #14: The sad little model

I sure hope I don't have to resort to models for all my featured hottie posts. But it's just so damn easy. This phenomenal european chica professes that she is miserable (and her status is in a relationship at the same time?) Sweetie, dump that sack of meat. You're a model for chrissakes, and you can surely find yourself someone to keep you squealing with delight. (Or, at least, just ask him for a rimjob.)

Hottie #13: The hulk

I'm a little bitty thing, and so I think I would cower in the presence of this obvious behemoth. It's gotta be weird to sit in the drawing room, and have your heart go aflutter at hearing his booming footsteps crashing down the hallway. Then again, it must be really hot to walk with him through Times Square, and watch as he knocks down all the bowling-pin people in your path with one sweep of his meaty paw. But, I'd still be scared that he'd pop off my head like a pez dispenser.